In Which Artemis Fowl Learns How to Make Muffins
by tsubasahope
Summary: Artemis Fowl makes muffins while enlisting the help of Holly. Crack fic and loads of humor.


**Author: Okay, my fanfictions are springing up everywhere... 1 in Tsubasa, 1 in Danny Phantom, and 1 in Artemis Fowl... will the madness never end?!?! Nope... it won't! Now a word from our local genius and megalomaniac! **

**Artemis: DISCLAIMER: The author does not own Artemis Fowl. If she did, I would be in a green dress, tap-dancing. (shudder) **

**Author: YEP! I'M GOING TO GET IT CUSTOM MADE NOW!!!!! **

**Holly: I don't think I should've slipped those extra cubes of sugar in her soda anymore... **

**Artemis: (glare) You think? **

In Which Artemis Fowl Decides to Make Muffins

It was Mother's Day and Artemis Fowl the Second and Holly Short were sitting in his lovely room debating what to give his mother.

"Why can I not just refrain from using manual labor and just buy her a diamond necklace?" Artemis huffed. Holly was toying with her Neutrino gun and contemplated on shooting Artemis with it like she always did when she was with the insufferable, egotistical teen.

"I told you, Mud boy and I'll tell you again until I have to knock some sense into you with a brick," Holly replied, rolling her gun on her pointer finger, "A gift for a loved one must come from the heart."

"Meaning…" Artemis asked, generally confused.

'Ai, this boy needs a heart,' Holly thought, irritably. He might've been the smartest boy in the world but his heart was lacking in a few places.

"Meaning that it must be handmade," Holly ended, "Why don't you sew something for her?"

"Holly, you of all people must know that my economic skills are a bit faltering," Artemis said smoothly. Another way of saying that was that he sucked at sewing…

"How about a baking something, like muffins?" Holly asked.

"No," Artemis turned back to his precious labtop.

"Come on, Arty," Holly teased, "Can't little Arty at least back some mere muffins. Surely he isn't too incapable of doing something with his hands for once." That's it… that was an insult to his pride and no one except his mother called him Arty.

"I'LL DO IT!" Artemis growled out. Ah... Artemis Fowl doing something with his hands for once... this will be fun to watch...

* * *

"Wow," Holly stared at the mess before her, "You're right, Mud boy. You do suck at baking." The whole kitchen was covered with flour, broken eggs were littered on the floor, and the air smelled of smoke. There was even foam from a fire extinguisher on the kitchen table next to a large black burn mark. Muffin pans lay dented and various ingredients were scattered under tables and WAS THAT A RAT I JUST SAW?!?!?!

"You still propose I make muffins?" Artemis glared, pointedly. His raven black hair was dusted with flour and his cheeks were messy with dough stuck on it. If Holly didn't know better, he looked just like an innocent boy that didn't have a criminal record, didn't know where the fairy society was, and didn't use his crazed yet smart brain of his for evil purposes.

"YEP!" Holly smiled in a rather sickly sweet way, "I'll leave you to clean this mess! Bye!"

"Holly!" Artemis almost cried in frustration, "Get back in this kitchen immediately and help me clean up!"

"No can do, Mud boy!" she laughed almost chaotically, "You're on your own!"

"D' Arvit!" Artemis swore under his breath and took a towel from the sink. Normally, he would ask Butler or Juliet to clean up for him, but both of them had looked at him and smiled, saying that they were busy. Artemis knew better and he was on the verge of losing all his diginity and whining for Holly to come back.

Flackback

"So," Holly drawled, placing item after item on the table, "Here's the recipe. It's blueberry muffins, if you don't mind." Artemis grabbed the recipe and read the ingredients off the list.

"Three cups of flour, two eggs, one cup of sugar, this shouldn't be too hard," Artemis stared from the ingredients to the list. Oh, how wrong he was... wait... ARTEMIS WAS WRONG!!!! AHHH!!!!!! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD... AGAIN! HELP!!! HELP!!!! HELP!!!!

Artemis began grabbing the flour and pouring the whole bag onto the measuring cup, making a mountain in the cup.

"Artemis!" Holly swatted his hand as he was about to put it into the bowl, making him spill the flour and the bag. He looked at his kitchen floor sprinkled with flour.

"What did you do that for?" Artemis asked, very angry.

"You're not supposed to put a mountainful of flour!" she yelled, "You're supposed to level it off!" Artemis blinked. That was what the hand swatting was for? SHE COULD'VE JUST TOLD HIM!!!!!

"Fine then," he grabbed the eggs, "You do the flour and I'll do the eggs." Artemis then realized, he didn't know how to separate eggs without getting eggshell in the egg yoke...

ARTEMIS FOWL VS. THE EGG! ROUND 1

Artemis hit the egg on the bowl, creating a small crack. Then, he tried opening the egg by pulling the shell ends... his fingers crack the shell to pieces...

ARTEMIS FOWL VS. THE EGG! ROUND 2

Artemis grabbed a butcher knife from the cutlery and laid the egg on the table. He took the butcher knife and raised it. He brought it clean down... and cracked the egg to pieces.

ARTEMIS FOWL VS. THE EGG! ROUND 3

Artemis Fowl invented the Egg-o-matic that would extract the yoke from the egg without breaking the shell thanks to his oh-so cunning little brain of his... It backfired and now there was a fire next to a soft-boiled egg. The shell was cracked...

"ARTEMIS!!!" Holly screamed as she took the fire extinguisher and started spraying the fire... and Artemis who was next to the fire... for good measure. **(A.N: Really... for her amusement) **

"HOLLY!" Artemis yelled back, sputtering the foam, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!?!"

"YOU CAUSED A FIRE, YOU NITWIT!!!!!" she yelled back, taking a fistful of baking soda from a bag and throwing it at him. It hit Artemis clean in the noggin.

"Owie," Artemis whined, "You know what this means, Holly."

"What, Arty," she asked innocently, holding a dough ball she made quickly.

"WAR!!!!" he took a handful of flour and threw it at her. Of course, like his other hands-on skills, he missed by a few feet.

"YOU SUCK AT THROWING MUD BOY!" Holly laughed. She threw her dough ball and hit Artemis in the stomach. It knocked the air out of Artemis.

End Flashback

In the end, Artemis decided to use the wonders of muffin mix and made a decent batch of muffins. He was later drowned by his mother in a sea of tears, kisses, and hugs. Holly had come down after Artemis had pulled the muffins out and had stolen a few. Butler was praising Artemis for doing something with his hands for once and Juliet had gone to see if she could steal a muffin from Holly.

All is well.

End

**A/N: My first Arty fic... not too bad is it? PLZ READ AND REVIEW!!!!**


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